Sunday, August 14, 2016

a second try.

Almost two years to the day I started my treatment, we meet again. 

It took me 5 months to be fully off of Cymbalta, but I'm happy to say that the slow weening process worked well for me.  Thankfully I did not experience any more withdrawal symptoms like before, other than headaches, which were manageable.

Since May, I have noticed a gradual seeping of depression. Its been very hard to verbalize, but as always, quite amazing to observe in myself.
It was slow at first, but now I have come to a gentle resting place at the bottom.

For the past 4 months I have been slowly falling and during these past few weeks I have felt more and more immobilized. I've noticed very abrupt anxiety responses in my body to, what I can now identify as low level stressors, and simultaneous "freeze" response from my mind.

The tiredness and discomfort has become a constant as of my last two weeks.
It is discouraging and concerning.
I wonder if this is my baseline without medication.  Ideas of hopelessness find there resting place in the back of my mind.
These visitors are not new.

          However I can not let myself forget the silver lining of this entire situation.
With these past two years of DBT and trauma work, I managed to somewhat internalize some of the skills of basic observation.  Noticing without judging.
And trying to accept what these observations could mean.

While I don't feel like I can keep my head clear right in these past two weeks, I was lucky enough to see these observations months ago and speak with my doctors, and get the ball rolling on my second round of TMS treatments, which I will be starting on the 16th.

Thanks to all who have been patient with me.