Monday, November 2, 2015

The identity crisis coloring book

    In the last year, between the death of my father and the death of my depression,
I have become increasingly aware that I am not what I thought I was. 
Not this is a bad thing, its actually been very interesting to observe.

I have always considered myself to be very self aware,
but I didn't realize how much being depressed what part of "who I was"
It helped defined how I thought, what I chose to do, and how I chose to perceive everything around me

I feel like I am finding my identity all over again. Which feels kind of uncomfortable

I am realizing that I am not as introverted as I thought I was. I am not as self conscious as I thought I was.  I am very good at finding humor.  Much less pessimistic.  And actually quite happy.

I guess I always thought that I was using my entire mental capabilities when I thought about anything.

 I pictured it kind of like a color scale. 
 Positivity was on one side and negativity was on the other. 

When battling my depression, I would attempt to pull as many colors as possible from the positive side. 

I've now realized that there was about a half of the positivity side that was being covered the entire time.

My thoughts have a much larger range now. There are options and patterns that I never explored, they were hidden from my depression.

When you see things a certain way your entire life, you can't possibly imagine another way to do it. Which makes you think that there are no more options. You've tried them all.
It's like trying to picture a color that you've never seen before.

I think it's important to never think you've seen all there is to see, even in your head