I feel very often that the english language inhibits us from proper expression at times.
Sometimes there are no words to describe a certain feeling.
but I try my best.
5 short years ago my family was effected greatly by the devastating and unexpected loss of one of our own. Ryan, at an unfair 25 years old was taken. A son, brother, cousin and friend to many.
The journey of grief is different for every situation. I find myself still angry and unsettled about his death, unlike my father's. I catch myself phrasing my father died but Ryan was killed.
And unfortunately that is how I will always feel. I feel robbed in a sense. I feel my family, especially his sister was robbed.
I feel my father's death was too soon and unexpected and possibly could have been postponed, but it is easier to swallow and accept than Ryan's, even after 5 years.
But here is what I've experienced that feels somewhat soothing. (Again, no word to describe)
I've always somewhat disagreed that time heals pain. I felt it was improper phrasing maybe,
that it promises too much.
When Ryan was killed, I found that I thought about him in the form of a person.
In my head I pictured a young man. A physical being.
A living human that was now gone.
What time has done is given me a new perspective.
When I think of Ryan now he is in the form of energy.
A bright energy that is all around.
I see his humor.
A large smile.
Time hasn't made it hurt less,
but it has given me a new form of him to appreciate and love.
In a way, it makes me feel good.
In a way, I feel like we have a new relationship.
We are no longer equal bodies on the Earth,
but I can still have a new relationship with that energy I imagine is his strong spirit.
The loss is still there, but there is a sense of something new, which helps make the pain somewhat bearable.