Monday, June 8, 2015

On this day.

I'd like to share my thoughts on loss today.
I feel very often that the english language inhibits us from proper expression at times.
Sometimes there are no words to describe a certain feeling.
but I try my best.

5 short years ago my family was effected greatly by the devastating and unexpected loss of one of our own. Ryan, at an unfair 25 years old was taken. A son, brother, cousin and friend to many.

The journey of grief is different for every situation. I find myself still angry and unsettled about his death, unlike my father's. I catch myself phrasing  my father died  but  Ryan was killed.

And unfortunately that is how I will always feel.  I feel robbed in a sense. I feel my family, especially his sister was robbed.
I feel my father's death was too soon and unexpected and possibly could have been postponed, but it is easier to swallow and accept than Ryan's, even after 5 years.

But here is what I've experienced that feels somewhat soothing. (Again, no word to describe)

     I've always somewhat disagreed that time heals pain. I felt it was improper phrasing maybe,
          that it promises too much.
    When Ryan was killed, I found that I thought about him in the form of a person.
     In my head I pictured a young man. A physical being.
     A living human that was now gone.
     What time has done is given me a new perspective.
     When I think of Ryan now he is in the form of energy.
     A bright energy that is all around.
     I see his humor.
    A large smile.

      Time hasn't made it hurt less,
           but it has given me a new form of him to appreciate and love.
      In a way, it makes me feel good.
      In a way, I feel like we have a new relationship.
      We are no longer equal bodies on the Earth,
             but I can still have a new relationship with that energy I imagine is his strong spirit.

The loss is still there, but there is a sense of something new, which helps make the pain somewhat bearable.

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