Monday, June 22, 2015

A small and large change.

A little over a week ago I have a follow up with my doctor out of New England Center for Mental Health.
   I was very happy to hear that about 4-6 patients have applied for the TMS program there, so     congrats and good luck to those individuals.

I also made the decision along with my doctor to see how I reacted to coming off one of my medications since my depression has been in remission for about 8 months now.

When I gave my talk about my experience with depression and TMS to about 30 people, I opened the floor to any questions.
  One of the best few questions I got were about medications.
  Someone asked me if I hadn't yet gone off medications out of fear.
  My response was no, but it did make me think.
  Weeks later I still think my honest answer was no,
                   but I understood the need behind the question.

My goal for TMS was never to be unmedicated.
My goal in my depression will never be to be unmedicated.
Medications improved my thought process and I will always advocate for them to be tried.

That being said I'm curious to how I will feel if I was to come off medications, and rely on TMS and talk therapy as my only treatments.

So far I've been 10 days at half dose, and will continue another 4 days of this before stopping completely.
I was surprised and a little disappointed to find that I felt quite anxious at about day 3, and felt this edge for about 4 days.
The good news is that I felt that anxiety reduce over the past few days.

I will wait about a full week after having no medication in my system to fully gauge how I feel.

Anyone who has been on and off medication knows how hard and intimidating this process can be. Especially for people who are prone to anxiety.
My plan is to stay calm and observant. And emotionally detached from the result.
I think it's important to not feel that being unmediated is the positive result.
If it works lovely, if not, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

Thats the idea anyway.

Monday, June 8, 2015

On this day.

I'd like to share my thoughts on loss today.
I feel very often that the english language inhibits us from proper expression at times.
Sometimes there are no words to describe a certain feeling.
but I try my best.

5 short years ago my family was effected greatly by the devastating and unexpected loss of one of our own. Ryan, at an unfair 25 years old was taken. A son, brother, cousin and friend to many.

The journey of grief is different for every situation. I find myself still angry and unsettled about his death, unlike my father's. I catch myself phrasing  my father died  but  Ryan was killed.

And unfortunately that is how I will always feel.  I feel robbed in a sense. I feel my family, especially his sister was robbed.
I feel my father's death was too soon and unexpected and possibly could have been postponed, but it is easier to swallow and accept than Ryan's, even after 5 years.

But here is what I've experienced that feels somewhat soothing. (Again, no word to describe)

     I've always somewhat disagreed that time heals pain. I felt it was improper phrasing maybe,
          that it promises too much.
    When Ryan was killed, I found that I thought about him in the form of a person.
     In my head I pictured a young man. A physical being.
     A living human that was now gone.
     What time has done is given me a new perspective.
     When I think of Ryan now he is in the form of energy.
     A bright energy that is all around.
     I see his humor.
    A large smile.

      Time hasn't made it hurt less,
           but it has given me a new form of him to appreciate and love.
      In a way, it makes me feel good.
      In a way, I feel like we have a new relationship.
      We are no longer equal bodies on the Earth,
             but I can still have a new relationship with that energy I imagine is his strong spirit.

The loss is still there, but there is a sense of something new, which helps make the pain somewhat bearable.

Monday, June 1, 2015

On the rise overtime

Its been far far too long since I've written, which is a habit I will cut.
It has been almost a year since I started my treatment of TMS and 8 months since I finished.

I gave my first talk about the treatment, which I will be posting soon.

I want to share with everyone how positive this experience has been.  I feel so happy and fulfilled. And nothing has changed.

    At the moment,   I just left my job.
                                I have very few friends in the area
                                I no longer have my brother in my house, who I miss greatly
                                My father, and core of my life, is no longer here
                                I still have yet to finish my degree

And I feel fine. I finally don't feel depressed.

I've had bad days. But that finally feel normal.
Everyone has bad days.
Chronically depressed people have bad months.
Normally, my depressive episodes were about 3 weeks to 3 months.
The most I've struggled is at night time. Mostly the thoughts are related to my father.
I feel sad and sometimes I feel angry at the situation. which is normal.

I have found myself again. Something I haven't known in years.

When you have depression for so long, you lose sight of yourself.

The question of "what is my personality and what is my depression?" has been in my head since I was a young child. 

I have found my humor again and it gets my through my sense of being alone.
I am making decisions faster.
I am enjoying social interactions.
I am enjoying dressing my body.
I am enjoying my quirks as much as I can .

My next step is to find a good therapist maybe.
I haven't been to talk therapy in a while, and although I don't feel depressed,  I feel like I have the chance to grieve in a healthy manner.