Thursday, January 22, 2015

as time passes

It has been roughly three month since my treatment ended, roughly one month since my last post and roughly a year since my father died.

I am sad to admit that November and December were very hard months for me.

My anxiety has shown its old ways more times than I feel is average.

     I've observed that small, insignificant things have been triggering anxiety responses like those I used to feel. Stupid things that normally wouldn't bother me are giving me overly emotional responses:
                            Boys, being called weird, having bad days at work; things that I haven't let bother me since high school.
The cycled thoughts at night begin

I'm wondering if something is triggering some sort of regression to those years where I had bad anxiety.

Many people have told me that its probably due to the time of year.
I'm not sure if I believe that I would have emotional responses due to the stress I went through last year in these past few months.
It is a possibility.

My next steps are to speak with my psychopharm about she thinks. Many people need "maintenance treatments" of TMS. We will see.

On a better note, brought back two things I truly loved and lost from my life for a while. Drawing and playing soccer. Even though they are just small activities, its probably the most I've done for myself in a while.

When people say depression makes you lose interest in things you love, that is an huge understatement.
It eliminates them. There is zero desire to do anything you love, because you aren't good enough to do it.
Both playing soccer and drawings were two of my favorite things to do and things I also shared with my father.
I'm proud of myself for taking at least those small step to include some passions in my life right now.