Thursday was my 36th and final head aching treatment.
It was a very long process, and me and my fellow patients are all feeling positively about the whole experience.
I have learned something very important about my treatments (medications, talk therapy, and now TMS) so far. It is this:
Depression is its own entity that shares my body with me.
Before I started any form of treatments, it was my master. It controlled my puppet strings completely.
It told me things that weren't true and I believed them.
Treatment does not take away that entity.
What it does is create a separation between me and that entity.
Last night, i experienced my classic night-time panic of depressing thoughts.
My depression said I am failing.
I can't handle this at all
I can't handle being an adult, there is no way I can continue
If I was to die I wouldn't have to be worried about all of this crap.
I might as well, I can't handle it anyway.
My treatments have allowed me to see that those are not my thoughts. Those are my depression's thoughts.
My treatments have allowed me to find my own voice, and my own perspectives.
My treatments have allowed me to talk back when my depression talks.
So last night I said You are not failing, you are struggling.
You have anxiety about money that can be worked on
You will adapt.
Every animal in the world can adapt to changed in its enviornment.
Even a sea sponge.
If a sea sponge can do it, I can do it.
Dying for this would be an overreaction.
Depression is irrational.
Depression wants to find relief at any and all costs.
I am rational.
I have the ability to learn and grow.
I can add humor to things that are really not funny.
That is what treatment for depression can do and has done for me.