Sunday, October 19, 2014

treatment overview.

Thursday was my 36th and final head aching treatment.

It was a very long process, and me and my fellow patients are all feeling positively about the whole experience.

I have learned something very important about my treatments (medications, talk therapy, and now TMS) so far. It is this:

    Depression is its own entity that shares my body with me.
    Before I started any form of treatments, it was my master. It controlled my puppet strings completely.
    It told me things that weren't true and I believed them.

   Treatment does not take away that entity.
   What it does is create a separation between me and that entity.

Last night, i experienced my classic night-time panic of depressing thoughts.
 My depression said   I am failing. 
                                      I can't handle this at all
                                      I can't handle being an adult, there is no way I can continue
                                      If I was to die I wouldn't have to be worried about all of this crap. 
                                      I might as well, I can't handle it anyway. 

My treatments have allowed me to see that those are not my thoughts. Those are my depression's thoughts.
My treatments have allowed me to find my own voice, and my own perspectives.
My treatments have allowed me to talk back when my depression talks.

So last night I said   You are not failing, you are struggling.
                                   You have anxiety about money that can be worked on
                                   You will adapt.
                                  Every animal in the world can adapt to changed in its enviornment. 
                                 Even a sea sponge. 
                                 If a sea sponge can do it, I can do it. 
Dying for this would be an overreaction. 

Depression is irrational.
Depression wants to find relief at any and all costs.
I am rational.
 I have the ability to learn and grow.
I can add humor to things that are really not funny.

That is what treatment for depression can do and has done for me.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

the light

I've been working so much that I have started neglecting my blog. I'm sorry blog.
First, a TMS update:
   I have successfully completed my core treatments and have started my tapper treatments. This means last week, instead of going everyday, I had 3 treatments last week, and next week I will have 2
     Then I will be finished. 

   It has been 3 days since my last treatment.
   Today I woke up and felt amazing.
   I went to work, and I felt amazing.
   I couldn't stop smiling.
   I couldn't stop saying "I feel fucking awesome"

And this is the silver lining of depression.

          That I can have days that I use the word "amazing", "awesome", even euphoric, to                    describe my mood. To describe my spirit. 
    and to have this happen when nothing super special happens to put that irreversible smile     on my face. 
to have this happen purely self generated. 

See, when depression takes over, the sadness is self generated. Nothing has to be "wrong" for you to feel so wrong. 

When you spend so long with that burden, you appreciate the happiness ten fold. 
Not even do you appreciate happiness, but you appreciate not feeling sad. 
And feeling not sad can become pure, amazing happiness. 

It is honestly a beautiful thing. 

and I feel fucking amazing.