Thursday, September 18, 2014

Music; my thoughts on suicide prevention in schools.

"The music helps." she said.

It's very simple. The music helps. The music does a lot of things, many to which I can't describe.

"My whole existence is based on it, and I just can't ignore it." my dad said to me back in 2012.   I'm starting to think that my existence is partly based upon it too.
 I may not be a musician (yet), but there is something about it that runs in my veins.

Some of my fondest and strongest memories are of when my father would play songs for me. Through my childhood as a club athlete, there were many weekly long care rides. He found such joy in making mix CDs, all hand picked songs that he knew I would love.  He was so excited to share.

The other day I was driving to work and a song popped up on his ipod (which I know use) that I had never heard before. I instantly started smiling and crying simultaneously. This song fit my mood and energy and spirit at that moment so perfectly.
         It was absolutely perfect.
 And he was playing it for me.

This led me to another memory, which I wanted to share with everyone.
I think I was in 6th or 7th grade. I was going on my first travel tournament for soccer. My dad loaded my ipod with songs for my very first plane ride.

This was probably the age where I suffered most from my depression alone. I felt so different. So out of place.
I remember getting to the hotel with my soccer team when "We've Been Waiting" by Graham  Central Station came on my ipod. My jaw dropped, I thought it was one of coolest things I had ever heard.

The entire day I listened to it over and over, and it made me happy.
Then, when we were sitting outside putting on our gear, still listening to my song, the other girls started playing some music, some hip hop, chart topper I can't remember.
     My heart sank.
I checked to make sure that my headphones weren't too loud.
What if they can hear what I'm listening too?
Will they think I'm weird?
Why am I so different?

Its strange to me that music could bring all these doubts out in me. But my music showed who I was at a deeper level and I always knew that.

My point is, when I look at those memories, I see only self doubts and frustration. I was annoyed that I was different. I was confused.  And now, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

    I know so many kids feel this in school.  And no one should ever belittle those feelings. Even now, after all the much more serious events I've lived through, I still acknowledge the pain that I felt during those years to be very real.

  My message to kids going through these struggles is wait.
  Unfortunately the suicide rate of kids in these age range high. too high.
  The feelings are very real and should never be addressed as being "small problems"
  Even if your life circumstances don't change, your outlook will.
  Just wait and see.
Those things that make you unsure might make you very proud later.

you just have to wait and see.

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