Sunday, September 21, 2014

I tripped.

I called this the stumble for a reason.
My dad always played a cover of Freddie King's song "the stumble".  The itself song has nothing to do with the influence in this blog.
The title always stuck with me. When I heard it, it just clicked somewhere.
Yes, that is how this life feels sometimes. Not always falling, but not always steady either. 
I really wanted to post that, being my last week of treatments, I was feeling great and my mood was continuing to rise.
Unfortunately, the last week and a half have been my stumbles I suppose.

I've been having those days where I am holding back tears for no reason.
When no matter how wide I try to open my eyes, they are still half shut.
Where the tired feeling lays in my bones.
I have moments where I step out of my body. Where I am watching the people around me and feel like its on a screen.
Completely dissociated from them and whatever this all is.
I wonder if his sacrifices will be worth the life I have before me.
I catch myself questioning the purpose of me in total.
That has been my week.  This is depression.
Discomfort and senselessness.

I am not proud to admit this, but I am striving to admit everything through this process.

I feel disappointed in myself for not handling my emotions and reactions better.
I am understanding of where my feelings of outrage are stemming from.

I have learned that anger is not an emotion that stands alone.
It grows only from a sense of injustice.
Sometimes that sense creates sparks and erupts.
I think I always felt more comfortable letting the fire slowly burn lightly as to not let it explode.
I feel like the parts that hold that low flame for so long become hardened over time.


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