Wednesday, August 27, 2014

The day the straws attacked.

So both yesterday and todays treatment were still painful. Less of the stabby feeling and more of a head achey feeling. But overall still nothing I can't handle. 
The lady running it said the guy who goes before me has fallen asleep for all of his last 4 treatments, so that just goes to show how individual this treatment is. 

Yesterday I was running around my house trying to find straws so I could drink something during my treatment. I spent about 8 minutes looking without thinking about it. 
I hopped up on my counter to check in a cabinet and boom,
       Memory flood.

All of a sudden I was overwhelmed with flashes of memories of searching for straws in my fathers apartment, collecting them off the floor, 
putting them in his water bottles, 
making runs to cvs to get more,
how sad I felt that he could no longer lift a cup,
and all other random straw related memories from the end of my fathers life.

It was exactly like those flash back compilations you see in movies when the main character puts all the pieces together and has some profound ah-ha moment.

It was a lot like the PTSD memories I get; in that they come up when they want. 
There is no conscious retrieval involved. 
But I noticed something important.

There was no strong emotional attachment to these memories as they came. 
I simply acknowledged that they existed and were now surfacing, but they didn't control my affect. 
They didn't make me sad.

I don't know what I can attribute this too exactly,  but this was definitely a new and, from what I believe, positive way for me to experience some of the unpleasant memories from those hard few months. 

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