Sunday, August 31, 2014

My warrior brain.

its been  a very interesting process to step outside myself and observe what my mind has been doing on its own for so long. 
         I've found that it is its own identity. 
         It is a little warrior
                 and it knows exactly how to protect me. 

I am seeing this now as it slowly lets its guards down around the memories of the last 6 months of my fathers death. 
How unbelievable the defense mechanisms were. 
I see the pictures and I now think how I could have possible looked at him in his physical state and not be terrified. I wasn't at the time. 
My thoughts were, wow, his smile looks huge now that his face is so thin. Such nice teeth. Why didn't I get his beautiful smile!?

My whole life I had night terrors and panic attacks all on the topic of what would happen if I lost my father. It was literally a haunting thought for me. 
I thought to myself, when my dad goes, I will probably go to.

             But when the time came, those thoughts never came.

September is suicide awareness month. 

My message to everyone is this:
   You are more resilient than you think. 
   Depression will put ideas in you're mind that you can't possibly go on like this
   That when things get worse, and oh they will get worse, you will remove yourself and all        will be better.
   It's not true. 
   Now that my father is gone, all I want to do is live and recover. 
   You're outlook can and will change. 

    

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